We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
hell no. i was not wasting my two tears of virginity on him.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
Randomize
