Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
Guess what? I had way too much to drink today. I'm properly wasted. Doing chores and playing video games while drunk. It's the nexus of stupidity and responsibility.
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Who has a video camera? i want to look back on this one day and say OH thats why i spent 2 years in jail
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I woke up to you singing What Makes You Beautiful and trying to blend an avocado with vodka.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
