Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
we got a new version of the plan b at the pharmacy now. its called next choice. you would think they would come up with better names for these things.
woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
tequila makes me forget i have legs
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
