You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
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You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
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I'm resourceful. I forgot we don't have coca cola so now I'm drinking Jack & Dew or Mountain Daniels. Also, I haven't decided on an official name yet for this drink. I'm leaning toward Jack & Dew
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I haven’t sent any nudes yet in 2018.
That’s not true...is it?
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