My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
I was trying to get everyone to go to the bar but I puked on my hands, so nobody took me seriously.
WHY IS IT FROWNED UPON THE DRESS UP IN CAT COSTUMES AND SIT OUTSIDE OF BARS WITH A BOX OF WINE I THOUGHT THIS WAS AMERICA
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
I almost got on a bus to Langley Air Force Base. 99% sure that's not where I wanna be.
I got my dick out in a gay bar for just one free shot. I didn't know I could be bought so cheap
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
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