this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Do not buy whiskey under any circumstances. There should be a UN sanctioned buffer zone between me and Seagrams.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
Please tell me that SOMEONE, SOMEWHERE, has created a drink called a 'Tequila Mockingbird'. PLEASE.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
Randomize
