Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
I thought about donating plasma but thats not the way i want to find out that i have aids
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I was literally convinced that the turkey wrap i was eating was keeping me alive. And i couldnt have been happier. That high.
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
Randomize
