omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.
this boner is exhausting
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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