i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Kind of a slow process. Played 9 holes with her yesterday. Wish one of them was hers
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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