i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
Wanna buy a dildo with me during your lunch break tomorrow?
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
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