Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
i found her half dressed with her feet in the washer..she said it was sooo warm.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
I just looked at your pics on Facebook....there was cake? Where the fuck was I!?
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Yeah last night got weird fast. No lie, a kid pulled a butt-plug with a tail out of his ass.
Randomize
