I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.
You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I don't think I can recall what a 23 year old cock felt like if one slapped me in the face.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
Sitting in a music store. There is a 40 something year old guy in a track suit, with a boner, and playing the ukelelie quite intensely.
thanks for thinking of me.
Legit just heard the bartender tell some Dude "Penis is not an accepted currency in this establishment" and Dude responded "You take Vagina then?"
Randomize
