i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
He stopped replying so I told him I got tested and it came back positive for chlamydia to see if he replied. His phone magically works again!
You then showed up downstairs in only a robe, telling everyone how you were "the most chivalristic fratstar ever."
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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