oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
great sex! but now the fight over who sleeps on the wet spot starts.
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Ugh, I should just give up, and fuck him in a parking lot, and shave my head and walk naked through the streets of King's Landing.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
