I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was giving me head while we were in my tree house, my mom then came out to let the dog out so she stopped so I would stop groaning, was it good? You tell me
I guess that means I was blowing a nerd last week.
And loving it.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
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