in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
He gave a passionate hug to every tree on the way to my car.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
well apparently i was just calling everyone cunts. then i awoke from my blackout to 3 very mad roommates who didn't bring a key out with them
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
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