shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I want him to rummage through my vagina. with unwashed hands.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
He's thawing a cheesecake on his stomach. We're that high.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
Randomize
