I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
Oh come on. There's no way I was the only female choir student taking shots in the back room.
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
If I'm going to risk life and limb to wear a Wings jersey to the Garden next week, the least they can do is win.
And the most would be ending up in bed with one of them.
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Just so you know, I woke up with 2 oven mits in my bed and no clothes on.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
