i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking
I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
only you would photoshop your dick
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
For the first time in my life, I paid for my own alcoholic beverage last night. Am I getting ugly?
To be honest, kinda.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
Randomize
