i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
The picture that pops up when I call her phone is a picture of my nipple. Just so you're forewarned.
She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
Randomize
