I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
You challenged yourself to walk backwards all the way to the bar... And you did
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
We were talking when all of a sudden she reach and started squeezing my dick and goes "nice." and then just kept the conversation going like nothing happened.
I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
Randomize
