Too bad my picture didn't come thru. It was one of me naked riding a unicorn with a wizard hat and a magic staff. And the unicorn had wings. And me too.
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
Nothing tops off the night like giving emotional and spiritual guidance to a 70 year old transvestite.
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
Peeing in taco bell cups is part of the fun of going to taco bell
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
So i woke up this morning to find my boss passed out on my living room floor.. Awkward? Haha
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
