so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
should i save it for someone special or be a feminist and be like "my vagina doesnt define me"
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
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