PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.
whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
no drinking for a week
if by week you mean tonight and by no you means yes
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Chasing my kid around a 30' jungle gym was not how I envisioned spending the day off work to recover from a vasectomy.
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
