I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
