You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
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