Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
So we were banging and she started puking all over my bed. I'm not sure what's worse, her puking, or that I felt the urge to start singing Flip-adelphia.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.
it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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