There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
I HAVE A PIGEON IN MY JACKET.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.
I wore sweatpants. When I show up to a booty call in sweatpants there's your warning
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
alll i remember is comming back downstairs, his pants were off and he was aplauding me
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Did you know they have a bouncer at Applebee's because I did not
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Can you come get me? I woke up in the woods behind the Super 8. I have pizza.
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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