people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
i am devastated. she was DTF and I was about to puke, i told her to wait outside my room for a second. Puked. Passed out woke up, she was gone. Found puke stains on my keyboard that seem to spell out youporn....
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
doing squats while I brush my teeth.. gotta keep the booty in check
OKAY THAT'S CREEPY AND I'D PROBABLY ACCIDENTLY ORGASM
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
