be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I threw up in a wendys bag in her car. when i went to throw it out the window it exploded all over me. No I don't think there will be a second date.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
