Ummmm I went to see who was upstairs, he was the only one in his room so we had sex while the travel channel played in the background.
Oh good. Romantic. Still, I'm jealous of the sex.
Probably not, since he made me promise not to tell anyone it only lasted ten seconds.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
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He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Based on the grey fur I pulled from my teeth, I think her vagina has mice.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ahh, 151. Think of it this way: it took one shot to get you buzzed, I took eight. I may or may not have broken a tv with my skull that night and met someone's parents naked and hungover the next morning.
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
The gate guard just said to me, "I almost didn't recognize you in uniform. Welcome back." I think I need to lay off the booze.
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Please stop telling my mom she doesn't have nipples when she's been drinking. You know shell show you. Forcefully.
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