can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I asked what you thought of her and you replied not the biggest I have had
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
