And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I started to trust fall random people on the dance floor
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Randomize
