Dude my mom stole all your condoms
I just got hit by a car and apologized to the driver. I asked him if he was okay.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
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