ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
If I pissed all over some chicks bed I would probably apologize for getting so wasted, not putting out, and turning into a god damn R. Kelly Cinderella... Not ask for coffee and a ride home.
At one point 12 people dressed in care bear onesies were up on stage grinding super nasty, and two of the girl Care Bears were making out.
If this wasn't a hallucination, we need to go to this magical kingdom every night of the week.
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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