No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
what has two thumbs and is going to bang you boss on monday?
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
I woke up and found piles of popcorn in a trail around my house, ending at a laundry basket full of pillows. What were we trying to catch last night?
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
