There's a 34yo winking at me. Why do i find this weird when my bf is a 38yo married man?
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
No she had like 2 shots and started ironing her clothes and whispering random shit in my ear
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I am far too sober to understand you right now. sorry.
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
