who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
i was sitting in the back seat of her car with her boyfriend while she was driving. it was pretty awkward, but i dont think "so my dick's been in your girl's mouth too" was a good ice breaker
Adams eating in the shower, he says it's one of his favorite places to eat. Btw it's milanos he's eating, he says he loves italy too.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.
Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
HEY. NO. THIS IS ABOUT YOU RIGHT NOW. YOUR COCK, MY MOUTH, THATS IT.
I wish I had a clear image of the dude who was sucking on my tit outside the bar last night
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
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