Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
i spent most of my hangover doing the math to figure out the last of the alcohol would be metabolized from my system.
thank you pre-med degree.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
Randomize
