I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
there is a large number of people floating in the fountains the morning in inter-tubes...its only 930. did i miss something?
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
It's like everybody loves Raymond but the total opposite and everyone wants him to die
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Randomize
