I just saw the host of Singled Out do standup. Holy shit 1995.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
Why is there never any toilet paper at his apartment? What does he wipe his ass with? WHAT DOES HE WIPE IT WITH?!?
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
