he spit gasoline on a tiki torch to impress a girl. he caught on fire but did get laid. success.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
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