and my herpes radar will keep us safe
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Better safe and shitfaced than hungover and in need of another surgery.
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
