I just took a shit in a BP station. It seemed appropriate since they are shtting in our ocean.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
She really has to stop the coke at some point. Won't she run out of money eventually?
Won't she run out of nose eventually?
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
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