mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Are you up yet? I really want to know if i tried sleeping in a field... i have the vaguest memory of trying to
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
Randomize
