can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Would you like to get an apartment bong? It can be like our pet and we can give it a name.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
he had DANDRUFF in his PUBES. 0/10 would not blow again.
Randomize
