we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
That's why I don't chug things. Because when I was a freshman in college tequila came out my nose.
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
Denis dont give a fuck, Denis drinks out of straws. Denis disregards the fire station & bought 18 fire hoses so he can fight it himself if the farmhouse is on fire.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I'm sure he'll make the rejection quick and completely justified.
He recreated the night that started all my mothers days. We shared a joint, drank Boones Farm, and dry humped to the Beastie Boys. Then I cried over MCA's death. Best. Gift. Ever.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
Randomize
