I need help removing her.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk
Just coat-checked 2 backpacks full of 40's...it was the bouncer's idea.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
No bra. No panties. Makeup from last night. At work right now. I am trash.
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