Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
