I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I am literally drinking 7 day old water and looking for snacks in my room so I won't have to go in the hall and see roommate, because we accidentally banged last night. Please bring over some chicken and plan b.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
