if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
The night before doing drugs with your bro is like Christmas Eve that made love to thanksgiving that made love a virgin.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
