Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
I almost tried texting you with my pipe. Holy fuck this is good shit.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
I feel like sleeping with foreign people is a long term investment. It's like a time share. Now when I go to London I have a place to stay.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Randomize
