Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I just encountered the same creepy guy I showed you, he jumped inside the dumpster screaming.
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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