seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
It takes a special kind of Adderall to make me go to the hardware store, buy paint, and paint tiny polka-dots on all four of my bedroom walls.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
Randomize
