i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
