it was like his penis was on wheels.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Two questions: what are you doing RIGHT NOW? and do you know how to drive a golf cart?
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
Randomize
