I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Tequila me may have very bluntly told him that I wanted to touch his abs.
I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
