fuck the hobbit
what about unicorns?
fuck those pointy horses
strike ten. I need to stop drinkng
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
Well I'm sleeping with two of them cause they have nice cars. And the third cause she has a big rack. I'm just really waiting for it all to blow up in my face so I can find a girl I'm actually interested in
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
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