he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
Just because your gf gives mediocre bjs doesn't mean I can fill that void
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
You know I've done a lot of messed up stuff. But I never thought I would have to put a bandaid on my dick. Yet here we are.
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
It was a fun night. I made out with the door guy at the gay bar but he didn't speak english
There was no door guy at the bar
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
