Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
