Define "chronic" masturbator.
No. I broke it. Note to self, never take a shower with your phone in your pocket.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I just masturbated in the tanning bed stoned. Best decision of my life
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
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