I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
Update: I may or may not be in a cult
Update #2: I may or may not be the leader of said cult
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
me + whiskey = a bad person
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
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