The girl in the car behind me just took a bowl hit. I miss college.
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.
Retirement sounds fun.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Randomize
