you keep denying me to hang out, should i take a hint?
you keep asking me after midnight, should i take a hint?
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
Her delivery came. She's ordered a pack of 144 condoms.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I saw the attitude and didn't even try. Line of the night from one guy who talked with them for a while said, "I don't meet you standards. I have a job and would treat you well." She was blank faced.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
Randomize
