Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
Barsexuality is the new black.
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
Then when he got home he face timed me and showed me his balls
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
Randomize
