You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
Remember how he wouldn't sleep with me "out of respect"? Well, Mr. Respect just fingered me in a parking garage.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
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